


Ask for Answers

by SpaceRat



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst with a fluffy ending, Haru and his unhealthy obsession with mackerel..., M/M, Matsuoka sibling fluff, Rin angsting about his dad, RinHaru fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-30
Updated: 2013-09-30
Packaged: 2017-12-28 01:44:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/986176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpaceRat/pseuds/SpaceRat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Matsuoka siblings visit their father's grave, setting off a slew of emotions Rin had been avoiding. Back at home, Gou finds her brother in tears and calls Haruka to see if he can make Rin feel better.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ask for Answers

**Author's Note:**

> Title for this was taken from the Placebo song Ask for Answers (it's a song that fits Rin and Haruka's relationship quite well, especially with the events that happened in episodes 7 to 9. It's not really applicable to the scenario written about below, but I still thought the title worked nicely here).
> 
> This was written for a prompt I got on tumblr, asking for a fic in which Gou sees her brother crying and sends Haru after him.
> 
> Also, this is running on the assumption/head canon that the scene at the very end with Rin "introducing himself" happened a good month or two after the relay. After episode 12 aired I just wanted to write something in which we start to see how Rin goes from aiming for his father's dream to a dream of his own.

The Matsuoka siblings walked down the cemetery road in silence. The morning air was crisp, and signs of fall were evident in the browning leaves of the trees. As he made his way forward, Rin listened to the sloshing of water in the bucket they had borrowed from the cemetery temple. Gou was a couple of steps behind him, holding in one hand a bouquet of white chrysanthemums and in the other a bundle of incense. It had been over a year since the two of them visited their father's grave together. Rin transferred to Samezuka almost immediately after he returned from Australia to Japan for the final time and he rarely spent weekends at home with his sister and mother so there hadn't been many chances for the two siblings to spend time which each other.

When they arrived at the Matsuoka family grave, Rin set the bucket down, lifted the rag that had been floating in the water and wrung it out. Gou removed the now-wilted flowers in the grave's vase that had probably been left there by her mother and replaced them with the chrysanthemums she carried. While she plucked out the few weeds that had started growing around the grave Rin worked on washing the gravestone.

As he carefully ran the cloth around the inscription of his father's name, Rin thought of his father. Would he be proud of a son like him? Rin poured everything he had into achieving the goal of becoming an Olympic swimmer; a goal his father had held at one time. But he also made some of the biggest mistakes of his life while trying to reach that objective. He had lost sight of what it meant to be a part of a team and had turned his back on the team he was on. He turned his back on the people who matter the most to him; his family, his old friends, Haruka. He had built walls around his heart hundreds of meters high and had completely isolated himself. Would his father be proud of that? Rin didn't think so. He felt his chest tighten at that thought.

After swimming in the relay one month ago with his old teammates, Rin was finally starting to understand where he had gone wrong before. Swimming with them had made him remember the importance of friendship, of working together and forming meaningful relationships with other people; of what it means to be a team. That was the push he needed to try to fix the damage he had once inadvertently caused. He decided to start spending more time at home and return on weekends when extra swimming practices weren't scheduled to see his mother and sister. He was slowly patching up his friendship with Makoto and Nagisa, and even befriended Rei and Nitori. In the past month or so, he had learned so much from his mistakes. Surely his father would be proud of that.

But... there were also his feelings towards Haruka. Over the years, Rin had tried so hard to bury his feelings, to hide them under hatred, anger and rivalry. But damn it this was _Haruka_ and Rin was so in love with him that all of his attempts to fall out of love were completely in vain. A few days after he swam in the medley relay with his old team, when it was just the two of them, emotions were accidentally revealed and, to Rin's surprise, returned. So when lips met in that awkward first kiss, Rin couldn't help but be happy. He couldn't help feel a bit nervous the following afternoon when Nagisa, ever in tune with such things, asked, “Haru-chan, are you and Rin-chan boyfriends now?” He most definitely couldn't help the swell of joy in his heart when the reply to Nagisa's question was a deadpanned “Yes.” What would his father think of that?

Rin knew his father would have wanted him to be with someone he loved, with someone who loved him back just as much. And that's exactly what he had right now. But would his father approve of that someone being another man?

"Brother..." Gou's voice tore Rin away from his thoughts. "Are you alright?" She asked.

"Yeah." Rin answered quietly, unsure if he was lying to his little sister or not.

"We should light the incense." Gou placed the bundle of incense into the burner at the front of the grave. Rin withdrew a lighter from the pocket of his jacket and lit each stick, causing a fragrant smoke to rise in front of them. He put the palms of his hands together and bowed his head, his sister following his lead and mimicking the motion.

As he watched the incense burn, Rin allowed his mind to wander back to his father. He wanted nothing more than to make the man proud. And yet, the more he thought about it, the more it seemed as though he had failed in doing that. He gave up on swimming when he was younger, and when he got back into it, he gave up on everything and everybody else. Sure, he was trying to fix things now, but was he going about it the right way? And what about the fact that he might eventually be bringing Haruka, not some girl, home to meet his mother? Rin felt the tightening in his chest appear again. This time his emotions threatened to spill out in the form of tears but he stifled them, not wanting to cry again. Not in front of his sister and definitely not in front of his father's grave.

Once the incense had completely burned, Rin and Gou collected their things and headed back towards the entrance of the cemetery, Gou leading the way this time. They dropped the now empty bucket off by the cemetery's temple and continued on their way home in silence. The entire time they walked Rin was doing everything he could to keep his emotions in check.

When they finally arrived at the Matsuoka residence, Rin unlocked the door, holding it open for Gou to walk in first. He followed after her and closed the door behind him.

"I'll start preparing lunch," Gou said quietly.

"Thanks." Rin replied, and made his way towards his room. It was kind of his mother and sister to have maintained this space for him while he was away in Australia and at Samezuka. He had always been thankful for that, but right now the weight of his guilt increased as he thought of their kindness and of not coming home during weekends as often as the rest of Samezuka's students.

Rin closed the door to his room behind him and walked over to his bed. He slumped down on the mattress, resting his forearms on his thighs. Alone, he let his emotions get the better of him. Tears spilled from his eyes and fell to the floor as he thought of all the ways he had completely failed as his father's son. Every time he gave up, every time he ran instead of facing his problems, every damn time he acted selfishly. He regretted so much of it, and even though the people around him had forgiven him, Rin had yet to fully forgive himself.

He sat on his bed shaking, allowing so much bottled up grief to quietly escape. Hidden in his room, he let go for what felt like the billionth time that month. As he cried, he found himself missing his father. It had been so many years since the storm happened, and all Rin could think of was how absolutely unfair it still was. He wanted his dad there. He wanted to talk to him, to ask him for advice on his swimming techniques, to go fishing with him. To just spend time with him like a father and son should. And he had no way of ever having any of that.

Rin's crying slowed, and eventually came to a stop. He sat up and leaned backwards, resting against the wall behind his bed. Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath in. Just as he was starting to calm down, a knock on his door made a jolt suddenly run through his spine. Before he had time to say anything, the door creaked open.

"Brother, lunch's almost -" Gou began to speak as she walked into Rin's room, but stopped mid-sentence once she saw her brother's tear-stained face.

She had made it across the room and had Rin in a tight hug faster than he thought was possible. Rin slowly lifted an arm and wrapped it around his sister, still a little shocked by her sudden appearance and the embrace she unexpectedly locked him in. He had no idea what he would say if she wanted an explanation. Thankfully, she remained silent.

Rin found his sister's presence to be comforting and, even though he was embarrassed that she had seen the evidence of his recent breakdown, he was glad she was there. Eventually, Gou released her brother from her grasp and pulled herself further up on the bed to lean against the wall like Rin had done. She took one of Rin's hands into her's and gave it a gentle squeeze. With her other hand she pulled her phone out from her pocket, opened it and began typing out a message with her thumb.

Rin was puzzled by her actions, but didn't comment. As she hadn't asked him what was wrong, he would not bother her about what she was doing.

Gou's phone buzzed in her hand, and she opened it, typed out another message and closed the device again. This pattern repeated once more before she turned to him and said, “It'll be alright, brother.”

"Thanks," Rin muttered, ruffling Gou's hair.

“Hey!” She complained and brushed the stray hairs that her brother had caused back into place with her fingers.

Once Gou had fixed her hair, she and her Rin returned to the sitting in the comfortable silence that had surrounded them previously, hands still attached. It seemed as though little time had passed before a knock on the front door interrupted the silence between the two siblings. "I'll get it." Gou said, getting up from the bed and walking out of the room, leaving Rin by himself once again.

As soon as he was alone, Rin's mind began that treacherous wander into thoughts about his failures again but was soon interrupted when his door creaked open for a second time. When Rin looked up, he was surprised to see that the person standing in his room was not his little sister, but his boyfriend. "Haru? The hell are you doing here?"

“Kou.” Haruka said as he walked across the room and sat next to Rin. His answer was simple, but it provided all the explanation the elder Matsuoka sibling needed for his sisters earlier actions.

“Gou!” Rin called out loudly, anger evident in his voice. As glad as he was to see Haruka, he still felt another twinge of embarrassment at the thought that she felt the need to call his boyfriend to come over and comfort him.

“Be nice.” Haruka's voice sounded from beside him.

“Nevermind!” Rin yelled out again, complying to Haruka's request. He leaned back, resting against the wall again, and looked up at the ceiling.

A silence settled between the pair of boys sitting on the bed. It was a strange sort of quiet, different from the one between Rin and Gou. It was neither awkward, nor completely comfortable. Rin was unsure if he should tell Haruka about what had happened earlier. He'd never really been in a relationship before and he had no idea what the proper relationship etiquette regarding problems such as this was. Should he bring it up? Would that make Haruka think he was weak? They'd been officially dating for only a few weeks... was it too soon to bring up such heavy topics?

“You okay?” Haruka's voice finally broke the silence.

As if on autopilot, Rin answered, “Yeah, I'm fine.” He turned his head to look over at Haruka who was staring back at him, one eyebrow slightly raised in disbelief. “What?” Rin asked defensively.

The question earned Rin a light shove from his boyfriend and a quiet “Liar.” While both the shove and comment had been playful, Rin didn't miss the concern in Haruka's eyes.

Shit, was he being a bad boyfriend by not talking about what was going on? He knew he couldn't pass everything off as all right because Haruka was incredibly observant and perceptive and had already caught on to the fact that something was very wrong. Maybe he could get away with saying as little as possible. “Kou and I went to visit my father's grave earlier on today.” Rin quietly explained, hoping it would be enough of an answer.

“She told me.” Haruka said. Rin sighed and returned to looking at the ceiling. He felt that all too familiar tightening in his chest reappear as tears pricked at his eyes and blurred his vision.

Just as the fresh tears had pooled in the corners of Rin's eyes an arm that found its way across his shoulders. The hand that just moments ago had lightly pushed him away was now firmly pulling him forward. Rin felt himself being guided onto Haruka's lap and into a tight and much-needed hug. Warm breath tickled his neck and a hand gently ran through his hair as he cried into Haruka's shoulder.

Rin was still getting accustomed to this strangely affectionate side of Haruka. He had not at all expected the guy to have such an emotional outburst at the regional swimming tournament after finding Rin in front of that tree. He had also not expected to see that Haruka had learned to open up and expose his emotions, even if it was just a little. Haru smiled more often, laughed more often and just seemed more willing to express himself lately. He would kiss Rin, reach for his hand when it was just the two of them and nuzzle into his neck, sometimes holding onto him so tightly it was as though he feared Rin might disappear.

Nonetheless, he was glad to have Haruka there with him. The silence between them shifted to a more comfortable one as the two boys sat on the bed, limbs entwined.

“He'd be proud of you.” Haruka spoke softly into Rin's ear. The words made him sob, leaving more wet tear stains on his boyfriend's shirt. Of course Haruka knew what the problem was.

Rin felt the arms around him loosen and tug softly on his shoulders. He let himself be pushed back just enough for the two of them to be face to face. Haruka leaned in and kissed the salty trails on his cheeks left by tears that were now soaked into Haru's shirt.

“Don't cry. He'd want you to be happy.” Rin's eyes were being wiped by warm thumbs that were not his own. As Haruka moved his hands to Rin's neck, Rin leaned forward to rest his forehead against the other's. He closed his eyes and breathed in, trying to steady himself and stop his crying.

He knew Haruka was right about his father wanting him to be happy. And over the past few weeks, Rin had felt happier than he had in a long, long while. What had been so different during this time that had made him feel that way?

An obvious answer was Haruka himself. After winning that race at the prefecturals proved not to be enough to ease his mind, Rin found himself craving to swim _with_ Haruka, not against him. When he had finally been able to do that again after so many years, the happiness he felt was unbelievable. He finally had the guy back in his life; what's more, he had him in a way that took Rin too long to figure out he needed.

But that certainly wasn't everything. He had gotten to swim with his _team_ ; not just with Haruka, but with Makoto and Nagisa as well. He had shared the water with all three of them and had seen that fantastic sight that re-ignited the deep love of swimming he had unknowingly buried under miles of insecurities the first time he said that he was quitting.

But was Haruka also right about Rin's father being proud of him? He could list off a thousand reasons for the answer to be no. But... Rin was happy now. He was trying. He was trying to fix things, to learn from his mistakes, to live up to his father's dream.

His father's dream. To be an Olympic swimmer. Yes, Rin wanted that. But he didn't want to be an Olympic swimmer by himself. He wanted to be part of a team. He imagined standing on the podium with Haruka, Makoto and Nagisa, and smiled. Swimming in the lane by himself just didn't feel as right as it did when he was sharing it with them; with Haruka.

Maybe, instead of following his father's dream... he could follow his own? He could carve his own path to happiness and still achieve what his father once strived for. But was he even prepared to do this? Could he really move on from his father's dream just like that? Rin wasn't sure... it was something that he needed to think long and hard about, and right now wasn't the time for such contemplation.

He cracked his eyes open just enough to see Haruka's lips and pressed a kiss onto them. Haruka responded immediately, gently pushing back against Rin. When they broke apart, Haruka shifted under Rin a little and rested his arms on the guy's hips as Rin lowered his head onto the other boy's shoulder.

“I really should thank Kou for texting you earlier.” Rin said.

“Huh?” Haruka sounded puzzled at Rin's statement.

“Didn't she text you before you got here? About fifteen minutes before you came by?” Rin lifted his head from Haruka's shoulder to look at his boyfriend.

“Oh that. She already invited me over for lunch yesterday. She was just texting Makoto to tell him to tell me to come over sooner.” Haruka explained.

Rin let out a small laugh at this. He still found it amusing, if not occasionally annoying, that one had to contact Makoto to get to Haruka because the guy never paid attention to his own phone.

But then the rest of Haruka's words registered in Rin's mind. As he thought of what Gou had done for him today his lips formed a fond smile. His sister really was one of the kindest people he knew. Rin dropped his head back to the crook between Haruka's neck and shoulder and the other boy turned to place a kiss on his temple.

“I should still thank her.” Rin mumbled into the soft skin of Haruka's neck. Rin really was glad that he was there. Haruka's presence had a calming effect on him today, in contrast to the competitive atmosphere that usually surrounded them. Though he hadn't said much, he had said what Rin needed to hear. And hearing those few sentences was strangely soothing and comforting. Rin took a deep breath in, inhaling the smell of chlorine, mackerel and something that Rin could never recognize and just attributed it to being Haruka's scent.

In the quiet that settled between the two of them, Rin's stomach gave a sudden, loud growl. A light laugh escaped from Haruka, a sound that Rin could not get enough of. “Are you hungry?” Haruka asked.

“Yeah. Let's go see what Kou made.” Rin said as he got off of Haruka's lap. The other boy followed suit, stretching a bit once he got to his feet,

“I hope there's mackerel.” Haruka's eyes lit up at the thought of the fish that was part of his daily diet as the two of them walked out of Rin's room.

“There's no mackerel.”

“How do you know?”

“Because we don't have any mackerel in the house.”

“That's fine, I'll just run to the market and get some. We'll grill it.”

“Jesus, Haru, you're not going to the damn market. You have to eat something different once in a while. Besides, Kou's already done cooking.”

“Do you have any pineapple to go with the mackerel? Or should I pick up that too?”

“Haru! What the fuck, get back here!” Rin hurried after Haruka, catching him right before he got to the front door of the house. He steered the guy towards the living room where Gou had set out three plates for them all.

As they ate the meal that was completely lacking both mackerel and pineapple, much to Haruka's chagrin, Rin couldn't help but smile. He though of how much better his life had been in the last month compared to the past three and a half years. He thought of his old team and of what it felt like to swim with them. He thought of Haruka and how much he loved the guy. He thought of his father.

 _He'd want you to be happy_.

Rin didn't know, he _couldn't_ know, what it would take to make his father proud; a thought that brought with it a sense of self-doubt and unease he was unsure how to shake off just yet. But he knew for sure his father would to see his son happy.

And right now, that's what Rin was.

**Author's Note:**

> Just one final thing to note: I started writing this long before episode 12 came out, so once that wonderful thing aired I had to dial down the angst quite a bit and re-write a lot of it to make it fit better with Rin and Haruka's character developments and the events in the episode. I think its still a bit too angsty, but I liked the idea too much to scrap the whole thing.


End file.
